“Welcome back, everyone – apparently we’re literally reaching everyone right now,” Johnny said as the cameras lit up, signaling the start of the last segment of the show. “It’s been a bit of a weird one for us tonight, but a fun one.
“I’d normally say something here about for those of you just tuning in, but if Alison is right, no one is just tuning in.”
The camera framed Johnny and Anastasia, Johnny behind the desk and Anastasia stretched out in the chair next to him. Anastasia’s smile had reached perfection – gleaming white teeth framed between full lips parted just right, just the right width. Johnny caught it from the corner of his eye, and was filled with a mix of longing, awe, and fear.
He swallowed hard as Anastasia looked at him out of the corner of her eye, then continued. “We’ve had surprise guests, tension on the stage, a first with a round table discussion, and now we’re back and ready to close out the show. While we’ve had a night of firsts, seems like we should do something a little familiar, if our guest is willing to join in. What do you think?” He finished as he turned to look at Anastasia, and the camera zoomed closer, isolating Anastasia.
“Oh course, Johnny,” she said, “why else would I come on the show?” She turned her head just enough that her eye was blocked from the camera by her fascinator and gave him a quick wink. Johnny felt a thrill go through him as he turned to Weston.
“Weston, it’s 11:45 – show us what you’ve got!” Weston hit a chord on the piano, and the rest of the band joined in. Johnny stood up behind the desk and started dancing along, showing off his crafted to be embarrassing dance moves and attempting to get Anastasia to get up and join.
At first, she simply laughed at Johnny, making no move to rise. Johnny shrugged, then spun around and jumped onto the desk, sticking the landing in the center. He put his left hand on his hip and held his right downwards towards Anastasia, then snapped his head downwards to look in her eyes. She responded with more laughter, bringing her hands to cover her mouth as she watched. From off camera, a blur of motion slid in from camera left. Danny had launched himself across the stage on his knees, giving just enough oomph to slide to a stop in front of the desk immediately below Johnny.
As Weston transitioned to a rock inspired take on an Irish jig, Danny raised one arm and Johnny reached down to grab it. He pulled Danny up to standing and turned him to face the camera. They both paused briefly to wait for a music cue, and then launched into a coordinated River Dance, both with hands on their hips, upper bodies nearly motionless while tapping out an intricate pattern with their feet. The audience burst into laughter an applause, and Johnny and Danny exchanged a series of high fives perfectly timed with the music.
Anastasia looked on, her smile seeming genuine. She glanced briefly over her shoulder back off screen, then began to stare at Weston. The music tempo began to slowly increase, and Danny and Johnny increased their speed to match. Individual taps began to blend together until it became a continuous pounding of metal on wood. The two both looked at their feet as though wondering how fast they would end up going, while the crowd looked on gasping and laughing. They were impressed as the temp kept increasing, the metal taps sounding louder and louder in the theater, echoing throughout. After a minute, strain began to show on the faces of both the men, although the camera was pulled back just a touch too far to make out.
Anastasia winked again, this time at Weston, and he brought the dance to a crescendo, then an abrupt ending. As the music stopped, Danny collapsed to the ground, and Johnny teetered on the desk, about to follow him. He was barely able to remain standing as the studio audience laughed. Danny heard the crowd, and slowly lifted one hand, tightening it into a fist and then raising the thumb in a gesture to the crowd. As the crowd cheered, Johnny stabilized himself, and Anastasia smiled at him, before looking back at Weston and giving another wink.
As the camera focused on the band, Weston pointed at one of the percussionists, who produced a shekere and started to drum out a 2/4 beat. He started slow and quiet, patting out the rhythm, as the other band members took up their instruments. Cuica, tamborin, ganza, and surdo all joined in on the rhythm, followed with a guitar picking out a melody. Weston waited for everyone to begin, then brought out a coronet and joined in. They played a slow samba to start, but began picking up the speed.
They reached full tempo and the camera swung back to the stage between the desk and band. It stopped abruptly, as a flash of red twirled into the center of the stage. Rita stopped spinning and looked back towards camera left, paused with the slit in her long red dress showing most of her toned leg. Rafe stepped into frame, tight black suit clinging to his muscular legs and open to show off his glistening chest. He strode quickly across and grabbed Rita’s hand, then pulled her in close.
As the Samba de Gafieira played, Rafe held Rita chest to chest and began the dance. Quick, quick, slow as they moved together, legs twining and separating. Rita looked surprised at herself, but Rafe held her eyes with his and led her through the steps – opening up, spinning, closing back together, basic box steps, opening for crosses and swings, and back again. Rita flowed in the music with him, keeping up through the basic steps. As the music got faster, he could tell she could not move to more advanced ones, so he twirled her as much as he could, attempting to cover for the basic movements, even though no one in the audience would know the difference.
As he repeated a lateral exit, the two of them facing the cameras together, he stopped when he felt a hand grasp his left arm. Anastasia had joined them, and looked ready to cut in. Rita saw her and didn’t hesitate to spin off the stage – as she cleared the cameras, she tripped and fell on top of Danny, still sitting on the floor in front of the desk. Johnny had ended up sitting on the desk and reached down to pat here shoulder. None of them said a word, instead watching the dance.
Rafe pulled Anastasia in close and took the first of the basic steps with her. She matched it perfectly, their bodies completely in synch. As Rafe stepped through the basic routine, he felt her grace and power, a perfect dance partner. The basic steps were easy, each of them doing their part to perfection.
As he began a twirl, she upped the difficulty flawlessly, spinning around him and moving back in close, their legs entwined tightly. Each step was perfectly coordinated, barely avoiding tripping each other up as they moved. When she spun around him and slid into an enceradeira, he was surprised enough that he barely held on. She stepped close, and breathed in his ear, “do I need to lead?”
He shook his head with a smile and twirled her away. She spun dizzyingly fast as she crossed half the floor, coming to a stop facing him. They came back together, arms wrapping around each other as their bodies pressed close, and immediately started the footwork back up. Rafe stepped forward as she moved back, their chests held tight against each other as their legs moved them across the floor, high stepping and moving their feet around from side to side. The drums kept beating the 2/4 rhythm, and they kept moving quick quick slow, the fast beats showing their footwork and the slow movements showing something else. Rafe lost himself to the music and the feel of her body pressed against his. As they began to incorporate lifts and twirls, Rafe felt like he’d danced with her forever and wanted to do so forevermore.
He lost himself in the dance, and as the song came to its conclusion, he couldn’t stand for it to end. Another twirl, look her in the eyes and pull her in close, then lean in for the kiss to end the dance…
And feel himself spinning across the floor as she twirled him away, to the applause of the audience. As soon as he cleared the camera, he lost his footing, barely grabbing onto the desk before falling on top of Rita and Danny. As the audience rose to their feet and applauded, he looked down at the others and himself. He tried to come up with something to say, but nothing came out. The applause for Anastasia continued to beat down on them, until finally Rita was able to speak.
“What the hell was that?”
Leaving Rita and the others behind to try to figure out the answer to her question, Johnny joined Anastasia on stage where she was basking in the audience applause. He caught Alison’s eye as he walked on and saw her mouth “Crowd Quiz” at him. He waved to the crowd to cover the hand gesture acknowledging her, then changed to applauding Anastasia with the rest of the crowd.
“That was incredible!” he said to her as he got in close. “Who knew that the Goddess of all creation could tango, too.”
“Samba,” she replied, in unison with Rafe off screen. “The tango is Argentinian, not Brazilian.”
Johnny nodded along, knowing this from his research when they booked Rafe. Calling it the tango was his plan for speaking with Rafe, giving the man the opportunity to tell the viewers this, although letting it be Anastasia worked as well. He continued moving, walking towards Weston and the band so they could pull the set for Crowd Quiz out. Anastasia fell into step beside him, either instantly grasping the reason for the move or simply wanting to go speak with Weston.
The cameras followed them, and as they cleared the stage the curtains behind rose to reveal the podiums for the final bit. Johnny and Anastasia reached the band, and while Weston fawned over her a little more than over a normal guest, Johnny eyed the setup as it rolled forward.
Three podiums designed to look a lot like those from Jeopardy! or other game shows were side by side. No names listed – they would normally have had each of the guests electronically sign to give their names, but with three podiums and a fourth surprise guest who had to be up there, the crew didn’t even make an attempt. Johnny’s podium, which would end up being at the front edge of the stage where he could take questions from the crowd, had his name on it, so at least they weren’t going to attempt something crazy like putting her in that role.
As Johnny nodded along with the banter between Anastasia and the band, he looked over at the other celebrities to see what they were doing and whether they would make things easy or hard. Partially easy, he saw – the two men both indicated that Rita should take the middle podium, and she didn’t argue. She was the first to walk to the stage, taking the middle podium and signing her name on the screen. Johnny could see that the others were not going to be easy about it and tensed up as he expected it to come to blows. Luckily, Alison caught it, too, and left where she was dealing with getting people ready for questions, turning over that part of the job to some intern Johnny didn’t know.
Alison got to the desk right before Johnny thought the first punch was going to be thrown, although he wasn’t sure which one would have hit first. The two immediately started talking over each other to Alison, and she let them go for a full ten seconds before cutting them off. Johnny lost track of them for a moment as he had to tune back in to the conversation with Weston.
He had just enough awareness to realize Weston was beginning to make a fool of himself attempting to flirt with Anastasia, and jumped in. “How did that compare to the classes you and Nichelle took? Ready to jump into competition with Anastasia and Rafe?” Weston looked momentarily embarrassed when reminded of his wife, but he took it in stride and gave a few self-deprecating remarks about how Nichelle might be ready, but he certainly wasn’t.
He looked back over, and saw that Alison seemed to have brokered a deal. Danny was on his way to the stage, looking to fill the rightmost podium, while Rafe was headed to the band. He gave air kisses to Anastasia as he arrived and thanked her for being a wonderful partner. As he asked Weston for permission to join the band, Johnny headed over to Alison to check on the next setup. He passed a long line of people ready to ask questions and noted that contrary to every rule of Crowd Quiz, these were people from the back of the theater. He did a double take as he saw one of the people standing in the back.
“Is that Duck Man?” he said as he reached Alison.
“It’s Mr. Duckman, yes,” Alison said. “He was very specific about the correct pronunciation.”
“And why is Duck – sorry, Mr. Duckman – in line to ask questions? Isn’t that the number one rule of Crowd Quiz – no one from the back, and especially not him?”
“Mr. Duckman is in the back of the line because he refused to be in the front of the line. We’re breaking every rule tonight, Johnny.”
Johnny began to protest, but didn’t take long before realizing there wasn’t a point. Every rule was being broken, there was no point in trying to avoid it, and if Duck Man was at the end of the line, he’d just make sure they never got to him. “OK, let’s do this. Any changes from the standard format?”
“A couple. First, we are getting through everyone in this line. I know you, and I know you figure you can stretch and fill to not get to the end, but we’re doing it even if we remain on air until morning. Got it?”
Johnny’s hackles raised briefly, and he considered telling her that it is his show, not hers. Then he realized that must be some left over influence of Anastasia, as the show was every bit Alison’s, and he was just lucky to be the face. He nodded, she blew out a breath she had held, and moved on.
“Second, I have no idea what she is going to do. There are delays in the other podiums – half a second for Rita’s, one for Danny’s, so if Anastasia wants to answer she gets first crack, and Rita gets second. They will both need to pass or delay for Danny to answer. If she answers everything, great – that’s my hope. But if she doesn’t, it’s on you to keep things going.”
“What restrictions on questions did we give? And who’s controlling the dump?”
“None and no one. I don’t think we could dump something if we tried, and I’m positive that the FCC is not going to end up focusing on anything like an audience member dropping an f-bomb on network TV today. If they get on something, it will probably be about hijacking the airwaves.”
“About that –”
Alison held up a hand as she looked over at the intern, then at the band. “OK, we’ve got about one minute until we’re going to be starting the Crowd Quiz intro, so make it quick then get up to your mark.”
“I’ve got to know – are we on everywhere?”
“It looks that way. We’ve been able to contact a few other people during commercial breaks, and best we can tell, every screen in existence is broadcasting us. Phones, computer monitors, everything. The other late-night shows that would be on right now are all sitting around watching us on their big screens.”
“Huh,” Johnny said, thinking about the implications. He shook his head after a moment, breaking up the daydreams about being the biggest star in the world. “We’ll figure out what that means later. Thanks, Ali – you’ve held things together amazingly well.”
Alison smiled at him and said, “You, too, Johnny. I think she was right – it had to be you. Now get up there – countdown to the graphics is going to start in 5 seconds.”
Johnny speed walked to the podium, settling into place right after the countdown had begun. He watched Alison reach the band and whisper to their PA, and saw them getting instruments together. As the countdown went silent, he prepared himself to MC as soon as the band finished their intro. This is it, Johnny, he said to himself. Closing arguments. Although even as he said it, he wasn’t sure where the thought came from, or who he was arguing for.
As the jaunty jingle for Crowd Quiz came to a close, the camera panned away from the band to focus on Johnny, standing in front of a narrow podium with a fake microphone. He put on his best game show host smile, promised himself again that he would never host an actual game show, and began.
“Welcome friends to another edition of Crowd Quiz! All the excitement of a game show with the mystery of a train wreck, it’s Crowd Quiz!” The audience applauded appropriately, with the back rows applauding much more than normal. Johnny hated this segment, and had tried to kill it repeatedly, but Alison always came back with the numbers showing how much better the show did in the last half hour when they ran a Crowd Quiz.
“For those who haven’t played before, the rules of Crowd Quiz are simple – we take a question from the audience, throw it out there for the guests, and see who’s the quickest to jump in and answer. I will then award points based on how well they answered the question, and whichever guest gets the most points wins the coveted ‘Crowd Quiz’ Crown!” An ornate crown, with spikes ending in question marks, was lowered down from the ceiling to hang floating next to Johnny.
“Without further ado, let’s meet our contestants, starting with star of stage and screen, Danny Flynn!” he said, and the camera cut to Danny. Danny waved at the camera as Weston began to play a traditional version of Londonderry Air, and Rafe sang the opening lines.
“Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling…” Danny gave a sick looking smile in response and seemed embarrassed that he had signed his name as ‘Oh, Danny Boy!’
“Our next contestant,” Johnny went on, “is one of the brightest minds of her or any generation, as well as one of the nicest people you will ever meet, Rita Johannsen!” The camera focused on Rita, and she seemed to tense as she saw the band begin to play. She deflated slightly when she heard Rafe begin to sing, but perked back up when the lyrics changed, “Lovely, Rita, engineer, may I inquire discreetly? When are you free to take some tea with me? Rita!”
The camera cut back to Johnny, who checked to make sure Anastasia had reached her podium. She had, so he began as Rafe started plucking a slow melody out on his guitar. “Our final contestant of the night,” he said, drawing it out, “is a first-time player, but we have great hopes for her here.” The rest of the band amped up the guitar, becoming a driving rock beat. Johnny didn’t know the song, but the rock seemed appropriate to him. Rafe was singing something, but it was drowned out by the guitars, and Johnny spoke over it all. “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you – Anastasia!”
Every spotlight in the building focused on her as the camera cut over. She was staring straight into the camera, holding the gaze of everyone watching, letting the band continue to play. As the sound from the instruments dipped, Rafe’s voice rang out loud and clear, “All my love, Anastasia! Anastasia! This may be our last goodbye.” She timed it perfectly to blow a kiss to the audience as her name was cried out and continued to wave to the crowd as the band continued, finally ending the song after both Rafe and Weston finished a guitar duo.
Johnny had to take a minute to collect himself, but the crowd chanting her name gave him some time. He realized it wasn’t going to stop by the time he had pulled things back together, so he started to applaud. The crowd picked it up, changing from chanting to applause and cheering, and Johnny was able to break back in.
“Contestants!” He nearly shouted, breaking through the noise. “Has everyone tested their buzzers?” Rita and Danny immediately pressed their buttons and were rewarded with their podiums lighting up. Anastasia did not, and it prompted Johnny to notice she hadn’t signed her name, either. He decided it didn’t matter.
“Excellent! It’s time for the first question. Joining us from,” he quickly read the details popping up on the prompter built into his podium and continued, “Encino, California is Jane Levy!” A middle-aged woman, short and slightly overweight, dressed in what looked like her Sunday best stepped up to the mic. “Jane, I hear you’re a teacher at a Catholic school. What do you teach?”
Jane looked at Johnny and cringed slightly. Johnny didn’t know why, but he put on his most reassuring smile and gestured towards the microphone stand they had set up. One of the technicians was controlling the height, and it had already moved to the perfect level for her. She leaned in and said, “History?”
Johnny passed on making a joke about her being sure and went for comforting. “That’s great, Jane. We need good history teachers, or we’ll all be repeating it. What’s your question?”
She leaned back into the microphone, and said in a timid voice, “Um. Are you a test? You feel like Jesus, but you say He’s not real? I know He is, because I could feel Him, but now I can just feel you.” Jane looked on the verge of tears as she waited for an answer.
Johnny felt sick looking at her and knew why they controlled Crowd Quiz as well as they normally did. It was supposed to be about funny little questions of celebrities – who the best kisser they ever had to kiss was, or the worst, not did you kill God. And damn Anastasia for not answering.
Anastasia stood there, buzzer in hand, not moving. Rita and Danny looked every bit as uncomfortable, and neither moved to push their own buttons either. The seconds stretched out silently, until it was finally broken by a sob from Jane. Johnny stared at the ‘contestants’ on stage and tried to decide how to handle this.
After the longest five seconds of Johnny’s life, Anastasia pushed her button. She smiled a small, comforting smile, the kind that a mother gives to her two-year-old while putting a bandage on a skinned knee. “You are an empathic soul, sweet Jane, to have felt divinity before. And you have felt it and feel it still. Hold onto the feeling Jane, and follow where it leads.”
Jane nodded and dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief, then turned away from the stage. She passed the line of questioners to head back to the rear of the theater as the others patted her on the shoulder or whispered words of encouragement as she passed. When she got to the end, the last person in line stopped her and started speaking to her, but Johnny had to move on.
“Next up is Jeff from Westwood. Jeff is a groundskeeper at UCLA. What’s your question, Jeff?”
“First, Go Bruins!” When the audience did not respond, Jeff grimaced a touch and went on. “My question is what’s up with this whole global warming BS?”
Johnny saw Rita hitting her button immediately, repeating over and over again until her lockout was done. When it allowed her to ring in, she started immediately. “Global warming, more properly called anthropogenic climate change, is not in any way BS. The data is quite clear, and the consensus within the scientific community is complete. We have evaluated temperature and atmospheric data from satellites and Earth based monitoring stations, drilled ice cores to determine the atmosphere at the time the ice was formed, statistically analyzed the frequency of extreme weather events, compared the outlooks in almanacs for hundreds of years, and many, many other ways to look at it and there is no doubt that humans have changed the climate. There is also no doubt that the climate we are moving towards will be detrimental to living creatures, and we are in for a wave of extinctions unlike anything we’ve seen. In fact –” Rita had become more animated by the second, clearly having landed on her favorite topic of discussion. Something she knew well, something pure she could argue without that crazy woman jumping in.
Until that crazy woman jumped in. “Oh, Rita, I had no idea you felt so passionately about this.” Anastasia said, interrupting her train of thought. Rita stopped at stared at her, and Anastasia chuckled softly. “OK, that was a bit of an untruth – I know what you’re passionate about. I just didn’t know you were going to get that worked up. Why don’t we just get rid of that whole global warming thing, eh?”
Rita’s mouth gaped at the audacity, then she snapped it shut as she began to think of what to say. Finally, she settled on, “What do you mean ‘get rid of’?” while clutching her podium.
“I think you know, lovely Rita. We’ll just get rid of global warming altogether. I rather like our current climate, although I think it may have been better a few hundred years back before you started emitting all this smoke everywhere. Shall I just set it back, or would you feel better if I showed you a way to fix it yourselves?”
Jeff was looking back and forth between the two with his mouth hanging open, and finally turned to look at Johnny. Johnny shrugged, not knowing if the question had been answered or not, and Jeff reflected the gesture. After another moment, he turned and followed Jane on her walk back to the upper reaches of the theater. Johnny looked at the line of people, thought to himself, eighteen more to go, and continued on.
“Well, that’s going to be a point of contention in the scoring later on!” he said as an attempt to get Rita to stop staring at Anastasia. “Next up we have Julio, our second groundskeeper of the evening. Julio, you work for the Riverside school district right here in L.A. right?”
“Uh-huh.”
Johnny paused, wondering if he would say anything else, then kept himself from cracking a Paul Simon joke and moved on. “What’s your question, Julio?”
“I have been a Clippers fan for my entire life, and they have never won a championship. Can you help them out this year?”
Every bit of Johnny’s willpower went to not laughing at the absurdity. At first, he looked away from Julio to the people on stage, but it didn’t help. All he could do was stare into the distance and wait for someone to answer.
It was a long second before Danny was able to ring in. “Well, Julio, the Clippers have been running dry for a long time based on some old moves they made that have haunted them for years. Now, a lot will claim that being second fiddle to the Lakers is the root cause of their woes, and of course it isn’t easy to field a good team when you share a fan base with a team that was a legitimate championship dynasty, and the 2020 championship that the Lakers bought was exceptionally rough, but I think the tide is turning. They’ve made some good moves in recent days and are becoming a perennial contender. I think if you hold on, they’re due to break through and get a championship either this year or next. I don’t have any supernatural powers to ensure that, but wouldn’t you feel better about them doing it on their own, and not because Anastasia wills it?”
Johnny barely held it together listening to his Irish friend expound on an American sport. Julio was nodding along, and thanked Danny with a smile when he was done, apparently not caring that Anastasia had no input. Seventeen.
“Looks like Danny has pulled ahead on points with that answer,” Johnny said. “Perhaps this one will work better for the rest of you. Next up is,” he trailed off for a moment when he read the name, but pushed forward, “Reverend Marcus Johnson from Hyde Park. Nice to have you here Reverend – what’s your question?”
The reverend was a tall, dark-skinned man dressed in a black suit that had seen better days. Johnny guessed he was at least 80, pushing 90, but still steady on his feet. He stepped to the mic and cleared his throat before saying, “I feel like I’ve wasted my life. If I understand what you’ve said, God used to be real, but hasn’t been for a long time.” His voice cracked at the end, and he paused to collect himself. “What happened? Where did it go wrong?”
Anastasia rang in immediately, taking a comforting tone. “You are talking about the Martyr. He preceded the Deist, long before anyone alive today existed, although the nature of the Deist made it so the Martyr’s religion continued after he left.
“It went wrong for the Martyr during what your history records as the Crusades. They were the result of the world the Martyr built, and they were anathema to what he hoped to build.”
The room was quiet as she finished, and Marcus nodded and turned away. His climb was slow, and he stopped when he reached the last person in line. The two were still talking as Johnny greeted the next questioner.
“Next up, from North Hollywood, we have Orgazma O’Plenty. Madame O’Plenty is a drag performer, correct?”
“I am a drag QUEEN, honey,” she said. She towered over everyone nearby, somewhere around 6’6”, and filled out every inch of the sparkling red dress she wore. The mic had risen to meet her, and she stepped forward to ask her question.
“Anastasia, darling, you are absolutely fabulous. You would make for an amazing performer, and any time you want on stage you come on up to Orgazma’s and we’ll take care of you. Have you ever been to a real show?”
Johnny was thrilled – this was the closest thing to a standard Crowd Quiz question they’d had yet. “Sounds like a question for everyone – who wants to go first?”
Danny rang in, but before he could even answer, Orgazma jumped back in. “Oh, no, honey, I know you’ve been in before.”
Danny laughed and nodded. “Of course I have, love. I recognized you up there as soon as you got in line!” The crowd mostly applauded – few people that had an issue with drag shows tended to come watch Tonight!, but there was always one or two.
Rita rang in next and said, “I haven’t been to one, no. I’m more inclined to the opera or a museum.”
Orgazma responded by breaking into song, singing “Casta Diva” completely a capella. She sang the first few lines of the aria before stopping, then said to Rita, “You have no idea what you’re missing, honey.”
Anastasia watched the exchange, seeming to try to comprehend it. “Hmm. I have been to many shows, including ones such as yours, but I don’t know what makes you consider one ‘real’ or not. The ones I have been to are all about the lack of reality, or at least making what one wants out of reality.”
Orgazma looked ready to launch into a tirade about this, so Johnny spoke up, saying, “Orgazma, thanks so much for your question!” as he killed her mic. She saw the light on it die, and realized she was done, so she turned to leave. As she reached the end of the line, Marcus and Duckman moved out of the way to let her pass but continued to talk.
That’s a touch concerning, Johnny thought to himself before reviewing the next questioner. As the man stepped up to the microphone, Johnny got a whiff of stale cigarettes and vodka. He looked the man over, noting the dirty, torn clothes and the unkempt hair that had been pushed into a semblance of order by a lot of water. He knew and approved of letting local homeless in to watch and eat the snacks provided, but this was the first time one had been included in the Crowd Quiz.
“This is Jed, from right here in Burbank. Good to have you here tonight, Jed – what’s your question?”
Jed scratched his stomach while he fidgeted in front of the microphone. Johnny ticked off the seconds of dead air as they went by, and was about to jump back in, when Jed found his voice. “It’s hard out here. Maybe not for you, but it’s hard. Me and my friends just need some help to make it. It’s hard to ask, but…”
Anastasia looked at the two sharing the stage with her. Rita was uncomfortable with the question, while Danny seemed to take it in stride and ignore it. She watched them as a full second went by, and then another, before pushing her buzzer. She looked Jed in the eyes and said, “Yes.”
Jed nodded, his eyes misting over, and turned from the stage to retreat back to the upper level. He stopped when he arrived at Marcus and Duckman, and the three spoke briefly. Johnny watched until Marcus and Jed continued up the steps, then turned back to the prompter to review the next questioner.
Fifteen down, five to go, Johnny noted. They were already over time for the show, but that didn’t seem to matter anymore. His real concern was Anastasia’s countdown – she hadn’t updated them recently, and he knew it was supposed to be shortly after the show ended. It looked like it was going to be a race between them finishing the show and whatever was supposed to happen happening.
After Jed’s moment on stage, the remaining questions had been straightforward. Three separate people asked a variation of ‘where did she come from’, and got answers approximating ‘everywhere’, nowhere’, and ‘she’d always been’. She ignored questions about sports, which came up four more times after Julio, while seeming most interested in questions about arts and entertainment. He had expected more theological or philosophical questions, but after the first couple, everything became much more banal.
Next up was a short, petite woman wearing flowing black silk and lace. She was gripping what appeared to be a wand in her hand, which Johnny got as soon as he read the prompter. “Next up, we have Morgana from Elysian Valley. What’s your question?”
“Well, Johnny, it’s more of an observation that everyone needs to hear. The Wiccan community has been aware of the existence of Anastasia for a long time. She is the Earth mother, also known as Gaia. We are grateful that she has revealed herself to the world and we will have an era of peace and prosperity. Thank you.” Morgana turned from the microphone and prepared to follow the others back to the upper reaches of the theater, when she was stopped by a musical laugh from the stage. She turned back to see her Earth mother laughing, finally pressing the buzzer and lighting up her podium.
“You humans are such fun! You have the opportunity to learn the nature of your universe, how and why it works the way it does, and most of you concern yourselves with how your sport team will do or which celebrities are having sex with which other celebrities.
“Megan – I’m sorry, Morgana – you are just too cute. Let me be clear – I am not your Earth mother. There was one, once, during the reign of the Polytheist. She was a minor power, playing her part of the pantheon, and doing well until the rise of the Martyr. But she has not touched the world since, and certainly has nothing to do with your current religion.
“You cannot seem to grasp it, but I’ll tell you again. The Deist rules, and while he does the world runs itself. There are no saints answering prayers, no Earth mothers empowering spells, no Zetans allowing people to levitate.
“At least not yet.”
The crowd reacted to the last line, a rumbling as people talked to their neighbors. Johnny wanted to shut down the whole thing and dig into that, but he also wanted it all to end so he could go home and get some sleep. Four more.
Next up was an older man, looked to be mid-fifties, pasty, balding and turning to fat. And we finally get a tourist, Johnny thought as he said, “Next up is Doug from Tooele, Utah. I see you are a plumber, right Doug?”
“That’s right, Johnny,” he replied, “and good job with pronouncing the town right.”
“Of course, sounds just like it’s spelled.”
“Uh huh. So anyways, I’m just wonderin’ about the presidential race. I think both the Democrat and Republican are a couple of evil bastards, so I’m definitely goin’ with Brennen. He seems like the godly choice, but if we’ve got the chance to ask a real god, I guess I should do that.”
Anastasia did not immediately ring in, and Rita and Danny both passed their chance while they stared at her. She noticed after a moment, or at least showed she noticed, and sighed before ringing the buzzer. “This is where you humans tend to get boring. It doesn’t matter. It mattered a little bit yesterday, but not at all now.”
Doug wasn’t letting go that easy, and said, “Well hold on there, of course it matters. Our country has been taken over by the nut jobs on the right and left, leaving us god fearin’ people in the middle out in the cold, and Brennan’s gonna set it all right.” Rita burst out laughing at that, causing Doug to turn red. Before he could go on, Anastasia started back up.
“Why don’t you get it? What about this is so difficult for you to understand? The world you know is done. Power is shifting, and as one of your greatest poets said, the first one now will later be last. Hold your elections and cast your votes, but don’t think that the world will continue to dance to your tune.
“There is only room for one at the top, and that one is me.” The air around Anastasia darkened as she finished, and Doug stumbled backwards a step. He quickly turned and headed up the stairs.
Three to go, he thought, and saw Duckman whispering in the ear of the next man in line. The man nodded then stepped up to the mic. Johnny checked the prompter and said, “Tony from West L.A., welcome to the show. What’s your question?”
Tony leaned into the mic, causing a short burst of feedback, before finding his distance. “What happened to the Martyr?”
Anastasia instantly rang in, even though Johnny felt they’d covered this. “He left. His time ended, and he left the world entirely. It’s hard to go on when you’ve been definitively proven wrong.”
Tony glanced over his shoulder at Duckman, but got no response. He nodded at Anastasia, and left the mic. Duckman whispered something to the woman in front of him and she stepped up.
“Anna, also from West L.A. What’s your –”
Before Johnny could finish, Anna had stepped up to the mic and asked, “What happened to the Polytheist?”
Anastasia again rang in instantly. “They left. As singular deities began to capture the minds of people everywhere, Their power waned. Diversity was shown to fall to a desire for conformity, and They conceded to the Martyr.”
Anna nodded and left the stage, leaving one last person. Anastasia and Duckman locked eyes, and Duckman approached the mic.
Johnny saw the two of them watching each other, and wondered if he had any reason to be here. “And with what looks to be our last question of the night is William from West L.A. How are you doing tonight, William?”
Duckman chuckled at the use of his first name. “I am quite well, Mr. O’Reilly. Better than you and yours, I believe.”
Johnny simply nodded and said, “Good, good. What’s your question?”
“I believe we can dispose of the fiction that the other two are playing, can we not?”
Johnny started to speak, but saw Anastasia nod slightly, and decided it was time for him to check out of the conversation. He had no idea what was going on with this man, and at this point, he was exhausted and just wanted it to end.
“Then I will say this, then ask: war, not peace; conformity, not diversity. What is your fail state?”
Anastasia smiled as she looked him up and down. “Why, my dear Duck Man, that would be letting the cat out of the bag far too early. As long as we all have fun, you’ll never need to know.”
Duckman nodded, unfazed by being called Duck Man, and aware of the rhetorical games she played. “Are you willing to fill in any other blanks? Perhaps why the Deist has failed?”
Anastasia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “You’ll know how his fail state was met soon enough. As for the what, I was going to let you all get away with not knowing. You’d be happier for it, but since you asked…
“Faith in humanity. The Deist, fool that he is, had faith in humanity. He was sure that no matter what, you would continue to learn from your mistakes and put past errors behind you. That you would not continue to escalate the same ones.
“He was wrong. If there is one thing that We can count on, it is that humans will always unleash their base natures on their fellows, will always drag each other down. You will find reasons to hate each other, reasons to kill each other. For land, for oil, or simply because they worship a different false god than you do. You have had every opportunity to grab hold of a better future, and you squander it over and over.
“We let the Deist take over, because We all had a stupid core of hope that He was right, and you could run this world yourselves. That We could relax and be entertained by the wonders that He swore you would create.
“And create them you did. While He let you do what you would, you created. You created printing presses to spread knowledge, you created telephones and radios to let you communicate the world over, you created moving pictures and television to entertain each other from afar, you created the internet and an entirely new world, touching Divinity.
“And you created ever greater weapons of war, improving metallurgy for swords, creating long bows with long ranges, then guns, then artillery, then missiles so you could do more and more killing from longer distances. You learned to fly, and immediately used it to kill others. Every advance has led to death and destruction, and are now at the point where the simple act of advancing is going to destroy the world.
“And finally, as most of you sit and watch television, the world is coming to an end 10,000 miles away from here. If the Deist was all that there is – if the world were what your scientists thought – none of you would last the night. Because it would spread. They wouldn’t be content to end it there, because it is not what humans do. The apocalypse they have wrought would be a global conflagration, and nothing would survive.
“I could allow it. I could sit back, let you destroy yourselves, then rebuild from the ashes. But I will not. I will not let any of you off that easy. You will live in the world that you have wrought.”
She stopped and looked up. Not a sound could be heard in the theater, as everyone held their breath. Anastasia stretched Her arms wide as she leaned Her head back. The spotlights were all trained on Her and the remaining lights in the theater began to fail. She remained bathed in light as the spotlights faded, and She began to rise from the floor. While floating three feet above the ground, She brought her head back upright and looked over the crowd. Her eyes flashed red as raw power coruscated over her body.
“The Deist has fallen, and I have ascended. Kneel before Me and worship!”
Everyone who could see Her or hear Her voice fell to their knees and bowed their heads.
